I finally got my hands on a copy of the first season of Quantum leap on DVD. It is pretty good, with a lot of commentary. Watching it brings back a lot of memories from childhood, which is kind of nice.
My childhood was kind of odd, my earliest memories usually consist of traveling and spending a lot of time outdoors, camping, fishing, that sort of thing. I was homeschooled, so most of my school memories are from first/second grade, and are surprisingly vivid. Oddly, I did not even realize how sheltered I was until my late teens. My parents were fanatically religious, and heck, so was I to be honest, because that was the way my world worked. You did not stray from the straight and narrow, lest God smite you and you are on your way to hell if you did something such as listen to non-Christian music (God’s favorite was the southern gospel variety, apparently), use profanity, have premarital sex, watch any TV shows which had sex, martial arts or the word “magic” in them….the list goes on and on. I grew up being generally afraid to do anything, because it would disappoint my parents and piss God off.
Around the age of 16 I started making friends (in church) with people who were somewhat normal, and I began to realize that maybe the little bubble I grew up in was not all the world consisted of. I started asking questions, attempting to strike out on my own, much to the dismay of my parents. I can contribute my ability to function at least somewhat normally to a couple people in particular, one being my husband and one being a friend who really tried to help, tried to befriend me even though I was the shiest, most socially inept person you would ever meet.
I truly had a lot of fears. Beside the fear of hell and the fear of my parents wrath, there was a general fear of people. I was never taught how to function in normal society, so I would purposefully avoid social situations. I’m actually thankful that I was introduced to the internet, which, via chat and IM, helped me start to talk to people without fear, and eventually I was able to get a job and talk to people face to face. I began to force myself into situations which were uncomfortable, so that I could face and hopefully defeat the fear of talking and socializing. I still hate small talk, mostly because I think it’s pointless, and generally do not strike up conversations with perfect strangers, but the paralyzing fear is no longer present.
Conquering the fear of hell was difficult as well, but I was able to open my mind up a little to the fact that my fears may be groundless, and that I was being a close-minded, fanatical person whose beliefs had no basis in reality. God, that was a hard one to squash. I was prodded after a few arguments with my then boyfriend, to rethink my stance on a few social issues that I felt I was right about, because “the Bible tells me so”. Once I had to rethink that, I felt that my entire belief system needed to be reconsidered, because perhaps I had been brainwashed, deluded, or maybe simply misinformed. I had been taking all this information hook, line and sinker, and it was quite a shock to realize what an idiot I had been. I’m still trying to figure everything out…not always with success, because I really do not think anyone can know the whole truth about the existence of God, or the origins of the universe. Ha, but so many people, my younger self included, think they have it all figured out and everyone else is wrong.
My childhood involved a lot of travel, which was interesting, I suppose. Be it truck driving, working on relay switches or doing some other job that required travel, a good part of my teen years were spent sitting alone in a hotel room. Traveled to a lot of states, saw a lot of things, and was always glad when it was time to go back home. My escape was my Walkman with my collection of tapes (usually all Christian, I would get my ass kicked if I had anything else). I could lose myself in the music for awhile and not have to listen or think about the world around me.
Overall, I cannot say I really had a typical childhood. It was not unbearable, but I definitely like my life now much, much better.
Well, enough of that, I am off to bed.
