I am a little depressed tonight. I just feel…lost, I guess. I feel like I have alienated people who I should have kept close (i.e. everyone around me), held myself higher and dropped myself lower than my peers. I have jumped and flew and crawled through the muck that is this twisted caricature, this distorted being that is supposed to be me…that is me. I want to be a good, friendly, talented, well rounded person, but I am bad to mediocre in all those areas. What do I excel in?? Making people hate me, distrust me, ignore me or ridicule me. I am tired of myself, tired of being like this. For those who read that know me, it is going to sound like the same story all over again. Ugh. I disgust myself sometimes.
Change is blowing through my life and I hate it. I hate it when my world gets shaken up by the will of people. I am happy for those whom change benefits, but I don’t feel like one of those people right now. I just feel stripped, and violated…and left out in the cold. However, I also feel that most unpleasant things that befall be are a result of my own failures and indiscretions. Wow, I am gentle and delicate when I describe my shortcomings huh?
I realize now that all the words in the world, all the apologies, tears, rants and begging mean nothing to someone whose trust and faith you have betrayed. Why did it take me so many years to realize this? I always let my words get in the way of my actions, when my actions should always get in the way of my words. Am I too old to start over? To be good, kind and patient?
Maybe it’s just the new dosage of meds talking, I don’t know, but I am having one hell of a self-deprecating day.
You shouldn’t be so hard on yourself. You may not think it but you are a great person and a wonderful friend. I would not have traded one minute of the time i was able to spend with you getting to know who you are. I just hope you make it out of your funk. Even though i m not around to witness it.
Your friend
Thank you, whoever you are. :)