Me at 17
April 2, 2006 :: Thoughts ::
I've changed a lot since my teenage years. Everyone does; growing up, learning to be responsible, getting college degrees, jobs and/or families. It's part of the cycle of life.
I feel like I've changed in ways that I would never have expected. I still fight with myself, I still struggle to be a "good person", but for different reasons than I did at 17.
At 17 I was immersed in "church life", fighting with my parents and many issues at home, yet still trying to live up to the expectations that they held for me. I wasn't expected to get a college degree, I wasn't even fully expected to find a husband and start a family. No…the expectation…the requirement…was that I would remain a steadfast, semi-fanatical, non-questioning, devout, spiritual "Christian". Granted, I had my moments of rebellion growing up, but I never slipped out of the house late at night, I never smoked, never drank or did any drugs. The closest thing to sex was stolen kisses behind the church or a naughty late night chat session (once I finally had internet access). No, I was a good kid, as far as appearances go. I had to appear meek and devout, innocent and un-tainted. We appeared to not have any problems other than not being financially opulent, because it was somehow "good" to appear poor or unsophisticated. To be too educated or to break out of the country mold was worldly and definitely not a desirable thing. My rebellions were small, silent protests to the oppression, be it imagined or real. I would listen to forbidden "secular" music, have the naughty chat sessions online, and allow my mind to wander places that I could never dare to physically go. Was living like this difficult? Only once I realized that I might be missing something.
Still, in spite of my mental rebellion, I still had the instilled fears to deal with. Church three times a week and many "spiritual" experiences had me pretty much convinced that God was an angry ogre ready to smite me at any moment. I enthusiastically tried to purge myself of all my "sins" by being very involved in youth, music and revivals. Somehow though, I could never reach the pinnacle of holiness, of utter submission to God, which would make me stop sinning, stop doubting myself and my role in this life that I seemed to be leading. Along I went, thinking that there really was no other way for me to be, other than a part of this fanatical religious life.
I certainly did not have anyone questioning or challenging me to dig deeper, to find logic and reason beneath the facade. The only people that would question my faith were ones who were as ignorant in their rejection of blind faith as I was in my acceptance of it.
I came very close to becoming a leader, a proponent of the conservative religion of my youth. However, someone stepped into my life that was a breath of fresh air in my otherwise stagnant, repetitive life. Granted, I was angry and resentful of the demands for an explanation behind my faithful claims at first. When you live with a splinter in your foot all your life, you get used to the discomfort, and even though it's for the best, cutting it out is painful. What this person did…this wonderful person…was to flip a switch of realization that "I" had the power to make my own decisions without fear of hellfire. Logic and reason can't be a bad thing if they push you to the limits of self discovery.
Now the only resentment I feel is when I look back on myself at 17. naive, innocent and utterly without a foot to stand on.
Will I ever be a part of a church again? Not likely. It's not because of hypocrisy or because I've been wronged in some way. A person would have to be pretty weak minded to allow others' bad behavior to deter them from something they truly wanted. I can't go back to church because it's all hollow. People think they know why they are there, but it's all an act on a grand stage, and the actors don't even know it's a play. I can sit in a church and whisper to my husband (who is the wonderful man who planted those early seeds of discovery) exactly when a song will draw excitement from the congregation, how the "spirit" will move, and what the preacher is going to say next. Not because I am somehow in tune with the spirit, but because I have been to the same play dozens of times before. Only now, I am on the outside looking in. I wouldn't go up to a believer and try to coerce him or her out of their faith. That's not my job. They would not accept that the spiritual experiences might be psychosomatic, just as I would have rejected that thought at 17.
Can I say now that I absolutely know that God does not send a spiritual experience to those people whom raise their hands and pray at church services? No, I can't say that. I can't make any claims when it comes to the mind, the spirit and those things which really seem to defy explanation. I can say that I've felt the same "spiritual" stirrings at 24 watching an emotional movie as I did listening to a particularly stirring "testimony" at 17.
The mind is a powerful thing. I hope to use mine for good, for happiness and for knowledge. However, I can never again use it for blind faith.
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[...] (Complete story here…) [...]
[disclaimer : I'm a catholic]
As an ex-evangelical you probably wouldn’t have considered the original ‘christians’: Catholicism. The definition of faith is decidedly non-emotional : “Assent to divinely revealed truth” (note the implied act of will - belief isn’t enough, and proof by divine revelation which somewhat improves upon science, but only works on an individual level). The definition of heaven is interesting too : “The Vision of Truth”.
What do you think? (I don’t mean about catholicism generally, since the answer tends to be a given, but of those definitions.)
This is wonderful!:)
Thank you so much for this. I know this is a year late. But just reading this gave me a sigh of relief I have never truly felt before. Thank you.
It good to know that there is an escape route if people want one. Very well written!
Finding God should be a comfortable experience not an enforced one.
I had a similar upbringing.. I now consider myself to be agnostic, probably more the polar opposite of blind faith than atheism.
I was fifteen when I lost my faith, however, it was another three years before I was able to stop pretending. The crazy fundie issue still comes up with my parents and I kind of smile and nod.
The only thing that actually bothers me is how bad I feel that my parents truly feel that I am going to hell. I really wish they didn’t have to feel that way. They love me so much but are so in to their religion that this “fact” in their opinion must make them very unhappy.
I can definitely relate to what you talk about. I am a former fundamentalist Christian who is going through a deconversion experience and I can’t tell you how much I have just realized that religion is poison of the worst kind because it comes with a sanction from “God”. I am attracted to the character and person called Jesus, but I despise religion in ways that I can’t really articulate. As one who has struggled with clinical depression for years, my dissillusionment started when I realized that all the formulas that I was using to get relief and “healing” (prayer, tithing, reading my Bible, serving in Ministry) were not working and actually making my situation worse because I thought that “it is my sin that is keeping me from getting healed”, this then added another layer of pseudo-guilt to my already fragile psyche that was desperate for healing.
I have not been to church in about a year now, and really have no desire to be there, because religion is based on fear and the church exploits people’s fears in ways that they don’t even know. this fear cause people to lie to themselves and others. Like you, it is not the hypocrisy that bothers me, it is the lack of authenticity and the way people are treated when they dare to be authentic about life. Fear is such a powerful tool in religious circles because If can get you to be so afraid of the consequences of not doing what I say (under the umbrella that I am speaking on behalf of the Almighty creator) I can get you to do anything I want. And this, my dear friends, is where religion gets itsin insisuous power from.
Thought-provoking recollections and reflections. What you describe is the wing of evangelicalism that believes in grace in theory, but not in practice. It promotes a performance-based religion that stifles true biblical freedom. I’ve had similar experience, I hope you can check out:
Confessions of a Bible Thumper -
http://deepthoughtpub.blogspot.com/
**********I can definitely relate to what you talk about. I am a former fundamentalist Christian who is going through a deconversion experience and I can’t tell you how much I have just realized that religion is poison of the worst kind because it comes with a sanction from “God”. I am attracted to the character and person called Jesus, but I despise religion in ways that I can’t really articulate. As one who has struggled with clinical depression for years, my dissillusionment started when I realized that all the formulas that I was using to get relief and “healing” (prayer, tithing, reading my Bible, serving in Ministry) were not working and actually making my situation worse because I thought that “it is my sin that is keeping me from getting healed”, this then added another layer of pseudo-guilt to my already fragile psyche that was desperate for healing.**********
This will sound sick & demented, but i can relate to the anger, sadness & depression the Guy who Killed those missionaries & 2 others at the Colorado church “Ted Haggard” used to Pastor.
Of course they’re feelings & are nowhere even close to doing something as psychotic as what that young man did.
It makes me very ,very sad to see this type of action & i am in no way condoning what he did….which was absolutely wrong.
I relate very much with what Stephen Akinduro said in his above post.
I hope some day i can find & serve GOD the way HE intended, most churches are focused on money & justifying not doing shit towards really showing God is not an punishing/ aloof God.
The bottom line is if you Fuck up while being a Christian you’ll get “Ted Haggarded”
dropped from the schedule….i hope i’m making some sense.
I’d like to briefly tell you my story. I wasn’t raised in any belief. I was taught to think for myself and be open minded. But somehow I searched for GOd. I found him. I never searched for religion or church. BUt I found them yes people have been shallow, and ignorant about themselves but its all in growning up. Parents love their children for the most part and only try to do thier best the rest is up to the child. Its okay to change from our parents ideology and separate from all their ideas thats atonomy for us. But GOd is real an intimate relationship can be real with him. BUt its not anyone elses relationship its me and him. always reverencing the word because it is him. He tells us no to help us. People have taken what GOD meant for help and somehow made it many things it was not meant to be. I always remember people are only human but GOd is supernatural. An inbred need that was so within me from birth that I had to find it. Even though I was never taught about him. That spirit inner man searched for him and he honors that within us. He loves you no matter what. GOd- BLess From the other side of the coin!!
My dad was a pentecostal preacher. I was a young evangelist myself — once called “little Moses”. I’ve been around every type of evangelical, left winged, denominational and non-denominational sect you could mention. Went to Bible college. Became a recording artist out of Nashville…became a drug addict, and eventually drove hookers around town — living in an old church basement.
While having a nervous breakdown one night — laying beside a dirty mop bucket — I called out to God. In short — He answered.
Today I own and operate a recording studio and production company in Nashville. I also am a published writer. And although I’m working on my 3rd marriage, I’ve been blessed with a beautiful wife and daughter — living in a good home. Life is good.
We don’t tithe. We don’t attend regular “church”. We don’t watch Christian TV. We don’t follow after the typical Christian routine.
We simply love God. We talk to Him daily. We love one another. And we live a good life. Nothing more, nothing less.
Religion and the modern-day church — to me — is a money making machine of manipulation. It twists the truth to control the people.
If Christ said “Greater works than (Mine) shall you do” to the church folk, I’d say somebody’s missing something. They say the Christians are the on;y army who kill their wounded.
But they don’t know any better. They are a product of what they are taught from the pulpits.
It was once said by a statesman from the past: “Any religion that loses it’s significance in a society will disappear…” We are simply watching the demise of modern day Christianity…
I say “burn, baby, burn…”