I get so frustrated with my cowardice. I hear things that piss me off, usually on a daily basis, but I am always afraid to say anything to the idiots that spew nonsense. Why is that? Why can I just not speak my mind? Why can I not tell a complete stranger who is being an ass to just shut the hell up? It might have something to do with the fact that I was raised to be very non-confrontational. Be nice on the surface and bitch about it later…the motto of my whole family it seems. Kisses and hugs and smiles galore, all the while wielding the knife to plant firmly in someone's back. It's irritating…I try SO FREAKING HARD to just speak up, to not be fake or phony, but the word never, ever pass my lips. I can think of maybe twice in my life that I have really spoken my mind, and both times I screamed, cried and ended up weak and trembling, like I couldn't stop the monster that I just released. I can usually speak my mind just fine in a blog or when venting to someone. Hell, I can even speak my mind to the person I want to voice my thoughts to over email or IM, on rare occasions. Vocally? Face to face? Nada. Zilch. Can't do it.

I feel exactly like Meg Ryan's character "Kathleen" from the movie "You've Got Mail":

What happens to me when I'm provoked is that I get tongue-tied.  My mind goes blank.  Then I spend all night tossing and turning trying to think of what I should have said.

I want to not care what people's reactions to my words might be.
I want to be able to be witty and be snotty and not fucking care about what people think.