Looking back on this week, I can't believe I survived the pain and sadness of all this. I did, I'm here, alive, but certainly not emotionally intact. The last two days have been the darkest, most difficult days of my life. I feel like I've been shaken to the core and turned inside out. 

My family seems to look to me as the strong one, the one to get things done and keep it together, which gave me a reason not to completely come unraveled today. Still, I think I felt more broken inside than I've ever felt before. I came dangerously close this week to letting anger, pain and bitterness get the best of me. All I know is that without the support of my husband and family, I don't know that I would have been able to face any of this. My main desire at this moment, is that my family sees better days in the coming months.

I'm still struggling inside, and I'm wrapping myself in good memories. My brother was an awesome guy, with a sense of humor and fun that was contagious. If you were within 10 ft. of him, he was cracking a joke and making you laugh. Nearly every memory I have of him includes large amounts of laughter and fun. He had his problems, especially in recent years, but he never lost his sense of humor and his desire to make those around him happy. He was loved by so many, which was evident today at the service. My brother was a Harley biker with a group of guys, who rode Harley's in his memory today in the procession. 

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Tomorrow is back to work and back to a different reality, which I am somewhat looking forward to but am unsure if I am ready for.

We will see what tomorrow holds!