I’ve had some questions about my thoughts on co-habitation without being “married” first. In my previous blog, I stated that I didn’t really have a problem with the concept that someone should “marry” (i.e. have a marriage ceremony) before moving in together. 

My personal opinion is that if you plan on marrying under the current laws, you would be better off living together first, to get a good idea about who the person you are planning on committing to is. That doesn’t even always mean you have to have sex right away. I personally waited over 2 years in my current relationship before doing so, due to my religious convictions at the time. During about half that time, we were living together. 

I think it’s best in the long run if you know someone for awhile (at least a few months) before moving in together, and live together for at least 6 months before you make the leap into the current definition of marriage. It isn’t an exact science, of course. Some people may need more time, others may need less.

If you choose not to live together, I think the time you wait before marrying should be extended to at least a year, maybe more.

My reasoning for this? When you are “dating”, regardless of how “in love” you are, or how much you think you know someone, you really never see the real person until you share the same roof. When you are just dating, and you go your separate ways for sleeping and meals, you manage your own finances and you are always on your best behaviour. The longer you share a roof, meals and a bank account, the more layers of pretense fall away to reveal the real person, with the quirks, issues and problems underneath. Is it all bad? No. You can learn some really endearing things about a person after you live with them for awhile. You may also learn that the person you thought you knew is someone totally different, but someone you still want to be with. There are times as well when you might discover things, that try as you might, you just can’t tolerate. 

When you find out the person you were so in love with really doesn’t share the same values, goals or ideas as you, sometimes you have to walk away, and there isn’t any shame in that. No shame, at least, when you have given it a fair chance, and you are certain that you weren’t harboring unrealistic ideas about who this person was. If you date someone who tends to tell little white lies all the time, don’t expect them to be truthful to you all the time. If you date someone who likes to party lot, you can’t in all fairness, expect them to stay home and drink cocoa with you every night once you are sharing a house. Committing to someone with the hope or expectation that they will change is not logical or fair, so learn as much as you can about someone before taking that leap. You should generally follow your heart when it comes to relationships, but don’t follow it off a cliff!!

Either way, living together or not, relationships are work. The passion comes and goes, the spark can flare and fade, but real relationships take commitment, compromise and an equal amount of give and take. Sometimes, they are forever, and sometimes they don’t work out.

I leave you with this thought: In the words of Kenny Rodgers, “You gotta know when to hold ‘em, and know when to fold ‘em”.

Much love to everyone. :D