deletedItems: Life, Love and the Pursuit of Zombies.

I was pretty happy with the American Idol results last night. My boy David Cook stayed, of course, along with the rest of my picks for this season. There is more diversity style-wise than last season. The only stand-out performer with much variation last season was Blake Lewis. There isn’t a beat-boxer this year (lol) but everyone seems to be giving the song choices their own spin, which I really like. From turning a Pat Benetar hit into an acoustic ballad (Brooke White) to amping up a Lionel Richie song and flavoring it with rock (David Cook), everyone seems to be doing their own thing. 

It’s not just about pop ballads anymore people! :D

I’ve had some questions about my thoughts on co-habitation without being “married” first. In my previous blog, I stated that I didn’t really have a problem with the concept that someone should “marry” (i.e. have a marriage ceremony) before moving in together. 

My personal opinion is that if you plan on marrying under the current laws, you would be better off living together first, to get a good idea about who the person you are planning on committing to is. That doesn’t even always mean you have to have sex right away. I personally waited over 2 years in my current relationship before doing so, due to my religious convictions at the time. During about half that time, we were living together. 

I think it’s best in the long run if you know someone for awhile (at least a few months) before moving in together, and live together for at least 6 months before you make the leap into the current definition of marriage. It isn’t an exact science, of course. Some people may need more time, others may need less.

If you choose not to live together, I think the time you wait before marrying should be extended to at least a year, maybe more.

My reasoning for this? When you are “dating”, regardless of how “in love” you are, or how much you think you know someone, you really never see the real person until you share the same roof. When you are just dating, and you go your separate ways for sleeping and meals, you manage your own finances and you are always on your best behaviour. The longer you share a roof, meals and a bank account, the more layers of pretense fall away to reveal the real person, with the quirks, issues and problems underneath. Is it all bad? No. You can learn some really endearing things about a person after you live with them for awhile. You may also learn that the person you thought you knew is someone totally different, but someone you still want to be with. There are times as well when you might discover things, that try as you might, you just can’t tolerate. 

When you find out the person you were so in love with really doesn’t share the same values, goals or ideas as you, sometimes you have to walk away, and there isn’t any shame in that. No shame, at least, when you have given it a fair chance, and you are certain that you weren’t harboring unrealistic ideas about who this person was. If you date someone who tends to tell little white lies all the time, don’t expect them to be truthful to you all the time. If you date someone who likes to party lot, you can’t in all fairness, expect them to stay home and drink cocoa with you every night once you are sharing a house. Committing to someone with the hope or expectation that they will change is not logical or fair, so learn as much as you can about someone before taking that leap. You should generally follow your heart when it comes to relationships, but don’t follow it off a cliff!!

Either way, living together or not, relationships are work. The passion comes and goes, the spark can flare and fade, but real relationships take commitment, compromise and an equal amount of give and take. Sometimes, they are forever, and sometimes they don’t work out.

I leave you with this thought: In the words of Kenny Rodgers, “You gotta know when to hold ‘em, and know when to fold ‘em”.

Much love to everyone. :D

Several of my friends/coworkers have recently gotten engaged, and while I do offer my congrats, I harbor some feelings about marriage as it stands today.

There’s no time like the present to voice those opinions.

First off, I AM married, and I have been since 2003. I love my husband, and there’s very little I would change about our relationship.

My rant is not about monogamy, commitment or the desire to profess your lifelong love to the person of your choice.

My rant is about the role of government in marriage, and how seriously fucked up the whole idea of it being a government recognized institution.

First off, there’s the ongoing social stigma, that while it has decreased in recent years, still exists, especially in very conservative and/or religious circles. Basically, if you plan on sharing a house with someone of the opposite sex, and you are in a romantic relationship, then you should get married, preferably before signing that lease. I have no problem with this concept as a general rule. If your religion of choice dictates that you should pledge your commitment via a ceremony prior to cohabitation or sexual relations, but all means…get a clergy/priest/reverend and have a ceremony. Exchange rings, break a glass or whatever your cultural tradition is, and pledge yourself to the person of your choice.

I in no way think that you should have to get a state-issued document stating that you are joined to another person. It’s invasive, and pointless. In addition, when a person is “legally” married, receive perks, such as lower insurance on vehicles, legal rights to each others’ possessions, etc.. On the flip side, married people get penalized, primarily through taxation. If you choose to separate from the person you are legally married to, you are forced to run the gauntlet through the legal system in order to do so. 

I think that if you do want to bring a legal aspect into your relationship, a simple co-habitation agreement (similar to a pre-nup) would suffice. If you are entering into a relationship with someone, or even moving into a home with a roommate, then it would be wise to have an agreement stating that you are going to share assets, and if you go your separate ways, they will be split in a pre-determined manner. If you are retaining separate assets, of which it would be your responsibility to re-asses your belongings and submit that report on a regular basis (say annually or when you make a big purchase) to a records keeper, or even online. This would encourage people to keep track of their home inventory and use more discretion when choosing a person to occupy a home with. 

I would not go as far as to say that such agreements would be required, but I would encourage the use of them, to prevent or lessen disputes. I do not think state or local governments should be involved, rather, the process should be handled by private attorneys unless there is a major dispute that requires the involvement of a court. The creation of the document and the filing thereof would be handled by a lawyer for a nominal fee. 

Basically, I believe that less government involvement in our personal, private lives would be a great thing. It would eliminate the dispute over gay marriage, polygamy etc..

If your decisions in your personal life do not infringe upon, or cause harm to others, then you should be free to make those decisions without government interference.