I’ve been thinking a lot about sexual orientation lately. There are a lot of conflicting opinions about why people are gay, straight, bisexual, etc. Some think it is a “condition” than can be reformed; others think that you are actually born with specific predispositions one way or another.

I’m a little torn on the subject, and have been having a bit of trouble coming to terms with either side. I think this is because I’ve met people who knew very early in life that they were gay, and most straight people would never admit to attraction to the same sex, regardless if they had those feelings or not. I’ve know others who hop across the fence of sexuality more often than they change socks. I’ve known those who seem to have a bit of a gender identity issue, even though they were 100% straight when it came to sexual desires and experiences.

While I am always learning and changing my ideas about the subject, here are my opinions of how the whole sexual orientation thing functions.

I think many people are gay/straight/bi from birth or a very early age. If it is genetic, psychological or physiological, I’m not sure, but I have known enough people who really gravitated toward the same or opposite sex as soon as they started exploring and developing sexually that I think that some degree of orientation begins at birth.

I think that some people are influenced by experiences in their formative or puberty years that steers a person one way or the other when it comes to sexual orientation. I think some bisexuals fall into this category, when they experience confusion and uncertainty about their sexuality. This is especially true if they are attracted to both sexes, but are prevented by society taboos from exploring their sexual options.

Lastly, I think some people may not actually BE gay/straight/bi, but may identify or present as such. I think a lot of those who have been actually abused or scarred by experiences with the opposite sex could fall into this category. They may not actually be gay, but the idea of being with the opposite sex generates fear, anxiety, repulsion, etc. On the flip side, some people do identify as gay/straight/bi, because of society or cultural pressures and taboos concerning sexuality. You see this a lot in religion and politics. People sometimes come out as gay/bi after years of living as a straight person, or they may never come out at all, denying their true attractions. Some may live a life that is straight/bi/gay because they are truly attracted or in love with a person of the same or different gender. They may be otherwise exclusively attracted to one gender or another, but this one person comes along that they just cannot live without. They may even identify as straight, for instance, but live their life in a relationship with someone of the same sex.

Addendum: Gender identity, being “gender queer”, transsexual or transvestites are cases in which a person may be physiologically one sex, but psychologically and emotionally a different sex, or transition at will between the two identities. Especially with transvestites and those who are gender-neutral (gender-queer), this often has nothing to do with sexual orientation at all. In fact, many cross-dressing men are actually completely straight.

I was recently involved in a discussion over on Zerowing21 (Yay JT!) concerning monogamy and how we are not all monogamous creatures by default. Personally, I am not a naturally monogamous person. I haven’t been as far back as I remember. I simply do not think that love and sex are synonymous with one another. I could have physical intimacy with any number of people, and wouldn’t necessarily form an emotional attachment to that person.

My husband, however, is the opposite. The idea of casual sex is not something he is OK with. Sex and love go hand and hand for him. I don’t know that he would actually be able to have sex with someone he was not in a relationship with.

Even though I do not have monogamous tendencies, out of love and respect for him, I abstain from any extra-marital activities. It doesn’t cause me any stress, and I am not constantly pining for other experiences. If I were with someone who desired an open relationship, I might be more apt to adopt that way of life.

I think whatever sexual and relationship choices you make should always be done with the mutual respect and agreement of both (or all) parties involved. If you are comfortable with multiple partners, go for it!

People often think that a non-monogamist and a monogamist can’t be in a committed relationship. There were a few *ahem* issues early on in my marriage, but once I worked through some personal problems, I was able to commit fully to the relationship without hesitation. I’ve told my husband that he even has a few freebies and shouldn’t ever feel guilty if he wants to step outside the bonds of matrimony, but just like with you, I cannot see him ever going through with that.

I really think that you can choose and commit to being monogamous, but if it makes you miserable, your best option is to NOT enter or stay in a relationship in which you are very likely to hurt the other person.

I think as a society, we need to take a step back from trying to pigeon-hole our citizens when it comes to sex and gender. We can fit ourselves into any role we want to, but if doing so makes us vastly unhappy and it isn’t really who we are, we should not be forced to adopt that role for fear of hate, rejection or even violence. Even if we do not socialize with everyone in every role, we should all be on equal footing when it comes to the law and the respect with which treat one another.

We should be able to be in relationships that make us happy, as long as those relationships are not harmful or abusive, and the relationships are between consenting adults.

Feel free to insert any thoughts, as I am always open to new ideas on the subject!